Scared Loveless

I remember when I first started karate. I was scared to death. What if I look ridiculous? What if I can’t do it? I was VERY overweight at the time, so the thought of exercising in front of people terrified me. But I remember my trainer sitting in front of me, telling me we would take it one step at a time. Her words gave me the courage to make a decision that changed my life forever.

I started slowly. Actually, slowly doesn’t even describe it. I couldn’t do one sit-up or one push-up. All of my exercises were modified, and even so, I felt like I was dying. There were so many times I wanted to quit, but as soon as I’d miss a couple of classes, my trainer, KT, would call me and somehow convince me I could do it.

One night, I was lying in bed crying, and I told myself two things: It was now or never, and it was all or nothing. I decided it was now, and I was all in, so I added kickboxing aerobics to my classes.

Sixty-nine pounds later, KT walks up to me and says, “I’ve been watching you in kickboxing aerobics. You have some pretty natural talent. What would you think about joining the actual kickboxing class??”

Okay. That’s not aerobics. That’s where people are actually hitting me, and I’m hitting back. I laughed. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t like getting hurt. The thought of that put that same fear in me I had had before, and there was no way. Until she asked me again. She then reminded me that I didn’t think I could do karate, either, but I did, and I was good at it.

I told her I’d join the class, but I didn’t want to fight.

Then she asked me to fight.

What the hell? Does she not listen? I’m not good enough to fight!

But I did. And I LOVED it. I was hooked. It changed my life in ways that I never knew possible. I am a much stronger person now than I ever was before, and I don’t just mean physically.

Fast forward to now. My life is changing at an incredible rate. There are things that I’m having to face that scare the hell out of me. Like trust. And love. And living authentically. All TERRIFYING to me. I’m right back there at that white belt mentality, faced with all the “what if’s” my mind can conjure up. And I’m scared to death.

I’m scared of being hurt. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being good enough. I’m so scared that I’m paranoid beyond what is reasonable. I’m overthinking the ridiculous, and under-thinking reality. I have GOT to get a grip.

So tonight, I’m lying in bed crying, and I’m telling myself two things: It’s now or never, and it’s all or nothing.

I’ve been here before, and I know what I need to do.

I’m deciding it’s now, and I’m all in.

I have to try to trust again, but how can I? Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them.”  So, I guess I just do.

Am I scared? ABSOLUTELY!!! I hate getting hurt. I hate taking a hit, and I hate being kicked in the face. But you know what? That’s all happened to me before, and I’m still standing. And I have some of the best people in my corner, cheering me on, looking out for my best interest. I’m gonna be okay. 😊

In 2008, I received my first degree black belt in Kenpo.

My last fight I weighed in at 128 pounds (down 97 pounds), and I won by TKO in the second round.

I would’ve never imagined all of that in a million years. But I did it. I took the risk, and I did it.

I’m SO THANKFUL I didn’t let my fear render me powerless. And this time, I can’t let it render me loveless. Time to put the gloves back on.

Head up, chin down.

(((Ding, Ding)))

 

 

…Love You Much ❤️

Giving Myself Permission

Sometimes, while digging through my mental mess, I have to dig through piles that were created by no one other than myself.  I can sit here and point fingers all day long and find other people to blame for MY lot in life; but the truth is, I am where I am because I have allowed things in my life that I shouldn’t have. For instance, I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart toward my family for the way they have treated me over the years. However, I have never allowed myself to not be around them. I have never given myself permission to remove “me” from that situation. After all, they are my family.  I’m supposed to love them no matter what, right? I mean, that’s what I want from them. I want them to love me no matter what.

It wasn’t until just recently I realized that it’s okay to love them from a distance. Sure, I would love to have the picture-perfect family. But that is not who we are. And you know what? That’s okay.

Family gatherings have always been very stressful for me. Who is going to say what about my hair? My clothes? Or, even better yet… What group of people are they going to bash this time? Will my brother be there? Will he speak to me? It has constantly kept my mind in a sort of fearful prison. But they aren’t the ones holding the key to my freedom. I am.

This Easter, I finally said no to the mind trap, and yes to me. For the first time in forty-one years, I spent a holiday away from my family.

And you know what?

Nobody died.

Sure, my mom was upset. There were a few words formed as darts, and there were a few times I started to reconsider. But I didn’t. I knew that I needed to do this for me. I knew, in my heart, that it wasn’t about not wanting to be with them. It wasn’t about THEM at all. It was about ME… giving myself permission to not be around the oppression. It was about ME, removing myself from situations that are continuously piling bricks upon the shoulders of my soul.  I just can’t do it anymore. It was about ME… loving myself enough to say, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

There’s so much stuff in my life I cannot control. I have to give myself permission to control the stuff I can. Fear? Oppression? I don’t need you. Bitterness? Anger? You’re not welcome in my home. The past is the past; what’s done, is done. I can’t change any of it.

But, I can change my tomorrow.

…I give myself permission.

 

 

Love you much…❤️