(Written 4/22/2017…one year ago today)
Nobody likes to fail. But when love fails, its much harder to choke down. Promises I’ve made for “forever and always” suddenly ripped from my control. Promises I can’t keep— not because I have failed to do so, but— because love has failed me. The constant nagging of “how can I move on when I promised her that I could never love someone else?” If my love is TRUE, how can I possibly even THINK about breaking that promise? I promised to wait, but she’s not waiting. I promised forever, but she walked away.
Failure has always been unacceptable to me. I am beyond a perfectionist, and I have found that true for my loyalty as well. If I truly love someone, I’m all in. And for the most important thing of all to fail, it’s a constant nagging in my heart.
I honestly believe that when love fails, the knife starts as deep as the trust ran, and cuts outward. When you trust 100%, it cuts clear down deep into the core, and it hurts like hell. However, once the wound begins to heal, it starts on the surface, and heals from the outside in, which is why it takes forever for the deepest parts of your heart to heal. The more you trusted, the longer it takes. Even so, when it’s healed, it’s all scar tissue. Much harder to penetrate than whole tissue.
So, When love fails, how do you trust it again? How do you decide what is worth the risk? How do you truly open up and believe people when they tell you they love you? It’s the same old line you’ve heard 1000 times. The same line that has failed you 1001 times. So how do you get past that?
Ive heard it said that the definition of insanity was to keep trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I’ve always looked at insanity as a bad thing, but maybe it’s not when it comes to love. Maybe being insane (in love) is a good thing.
A chance of being hurt? I’ve come to expect it. I’m sure I will be. But being alone is it’s own form of insanity. I’m doomed either way. But with lonely insanity, there’s no hope.
Ive had enough leave. I just wanna find someone who loves me enough to stay.
She has given me that hope. Ive tasted how good it can be, and I want that again. By leaving, she has given me the opportunity to find someone who can be my forever, and I love her everyday for that. Easy? No, not at all. But then again, when has anything worth it been easy?
I may end up in the end with nothing but scar tissue, but I’ve gotta take that chance. So here goes nothing…
Love you much… ❤️