Giving Myself Permission

Sometimes, while digging through my mental mess, I have to dig through piles that were created by no one other than myself.  I can sit here and point fingers all day long and find other people to blame for MY lot in life; but the truth is, I am where I am because I have allowed things in my life that I shouldn’t have. For instance, I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart toward my family for the way they have treated me over the years. However, I have never allowed myself to not be around them. I have never given myself permission to remove “me” from that situation. After all, they are my family.  I’m supposed to love them no matter what, right? I mean, that’s what I want from them. I want them to love me no matter what.

It wasn’t until just recently I realized that it’s okay to love them from a distance. Sure, I would love to have the picture-perfect family. But that is not who we are. And you know what? That’s okay.

Family gatherings have always been very stressful for me. Who is going to say what about my hair? My clothes? Or, even better yet… What group of people are they going to bash this time? Will my brother be there? Will he speak to me? It has constantly kept my mind in a sort of fearful prison. But they aren’t the ones holding the key to my freedom. I am.

This Easter, I finally said no to the mind trap, and yes to me. For the first time in forty-one years, I spent a holiday away from my family.

And you know what?

Nobody died.

Sure, my mom was upset. There were a few words formed as darts, and there were a few times I started to reconsider. But I didn’t. I knew that I needed to do this for me. I knew, in my heart, that it wasn’t about not wanting to be with them. It wasn’t about THEM at all. It was about ME… giving myself permission to not be around the oppression. It was about ME, removing myself from situations that are continuously piling bricks upon the shoulders of my soul.  I just can’t do it anymore. It was about ME… loving myself enough to say, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH.”

There’s so much stuff in my life I cannot control. I have to give myself permission to control the stuff I can. Fear? Oppression? I don’t need you. Bitterness? Anger? You’re not welcome in my home. The past is the past; what’s done, is done. I can’t change any of it.

But, I can change my tomorrow.

…I give myself permission.

Love you much…❤️